It's Time to Make Fun of the American Presidential Race

By Ben Hamill - February 25 2016
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American Presidential Race

In the light of the cringing and cowardly apologies offered by Kerry Diotte and Kelly McCauley about social media postings critical of "liberal buzzwords" and the companion bingo card, I've decided to be very politically incorrect especially for a Canadian and especially with regard to our giant neighbor to the south.

Even we, way up here in the frozen tundra, can't help but be inundated with American political discourse in this Presidential election year. So, I herewith present my American Presidential Politics Bingo Card. I hope to cause an international incident. Now, that would be fun!

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Can You Name the Five People Who Understand this System?

The American system of electing presidents and members of Congress is inscrutable not only to everyone who didn't learn civics in an American elementary school (and even many who did) but also to about 7,000,000,000 people around the world, including 35,000,000 Canadians.

Kudos To Jeb for Knowing Exactly How Much Money to Waste Before Dropping Out

Jeb Bush dropped out after spending $130,000,000 buying the worst primary showing per dollar in the history of American politics. Now, I would rather have seen him bring some of those big bucks to a charitable bingo hall here in Canada. Had he done so, he might have gotten a few more votes just because he'd have been seen as understanding that charitable organizations that are always struggling to survive financially are a better place to spend money than on television adverts that tell voters to vote for the other guy!

If Jeb! had given away dollars to needy people to get them to vote for him, we might still be taking him seriously.

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American Punctuation

I always wondered why Jeb Bush put an exclamation point after his name. Now that he's in history's dust bin along with yesterday's bingo cards, we can begin to wistfully recall just how much we liked Jeb!.

CH as in Chuckles or ch as in Wacho?

John Kasich is still in the race. So is Ben Carson. Ben Carson is a famous doctor. John Kasich is famous because he was the mayor of the most joke-worthy city in the U.S., just across Lake Erie.

I Never Met I Buzzword I didn’t Like

Diotte and McCauley might not know this but there really are liberal buzzwords and conservative buzzwords and buzzwords for everything else we do. So, why apologize. Better they had responded to criticism by coming out swinging.

 

B I N G O
Hillary Clinton offers the Vice Presidency to Donald Trump. By executive order, Barack Obama makes it illegal to be a meany to Hillary. Donald Trump chooses Megyn Kelly as vice president. Barack Obama stays in the White House. New president rents a flat nearby. Donald Trump gives a speech and no one is offended.
In answering a question from a six-year old, Donald Trump says he'll build the wall "this high". Marco Rubio has a robot implant to stop him from acting like one. John Kasich fails to satisfactorily answer the question, "Who is John Kasich". Hillary Clinton hires Dick Morris. He tells her to hexadecagonate. Ben Carson creates international stir by raising his voice, once.
After Hillary Clinton drops out of presidential race, she says that she's dead broke. Dr. Ben Carson separates Siamese twins Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. GOTTA LOVE ELECTIONS BINGO Under cover of darkness, someone turns Hillary's arrow around. Hillary Clinton announces that she will add a Secretary of Family Values.
Barack Obama invites liberal Canadians to vote in November. Says they can stay but can't take jobs from illegals. Bernie Sanders admits that he was a capitalist until he turned two. Chelsea Clinton gets $200,000 for a speech. Says she took the money because it was offered. Ted Cruz accidentally reveals that he is a Toronto Blue Jays fan. Loses Texas. Moves back to Canada. Chelsea Clinton lends Hillary a million dollars. With interest.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has too many states. Vows to cut the number down to 15 states. Hillary Clinton publishes book "The Joy of Coughing". Bill Clinton speaks about bingo centres as "a great place to meet women". Bernie Sanders offers free pizza once a week after he's elected. Promises lactose free and vegan choices. The NFL hires Donald Trump as spokesman on treating brain injuries.

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